17 luty 2007 - God please can I just have a Simple life?

It is not a title of amerycian show, I mean it is, but my point is that I just wish to have simple life.. To do not have so many problems, and have better choises.. Sometimes I have days that I just want to sit and cry, everything what I'm thinkung about make me cry; my mom, my boyfriend, do I love him enought to stay in U.S. or  I should come back to poland after my visa will expired? oh I really wish to everything were more simple... I wish  to my english be better and my feeling more sure I JUST WISH TO KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT. WHAT IS MY REAL DESTINATION? There are so simple questions but why I can't find the answer... Why sometimes is so lovely with my boyfriend and sometimes I just feel that I don't want to have anything in common with him, because I have to make a choose because of him? It was so fabulos yesterday in our 1 year anniversary, i mean we star day with almost break up with each other, but leter when we met and he gave me a flower and we both start slow be closer again... and later he told me again that he don't want to talk with me on the phone , but I want to help him  because I know even I'm more sensitive in our relationship he is more emotional. Because is usually so hard to hear the true when somebody telling you... I can kind of understand him... and everytime we talking about that and he know what is wrong be he keep repeating his"I don't want to talk to him". He is usually the one who is always happy and nothing can hurt him and he have so many plans and ideas that even me never will have so many but... I can't sometimes undersatand why he is so weak? I'm trying to help him even I feel more depress that he ... and you see EVEN that is not simple ! you never know what will happend..

But I know what will happend know - I'm going sleep. All Poland is weaking up right now but I have night time and my night mares will come again , like everynight , even I had good day